


Hoist the Colours

by Sapphy



Series: Nothing Hurts X-Men 'Verse [3]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirates of the Caribbean Fusion, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Games, Gen, Homebrew RPG, Inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean, Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Pirates, RPG, Roleplay, Silly, but not actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-06
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 18:02:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11109933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy
Summary: Logan has no idea what the others are doing, or why it involves so many dice. But they gave him a hat with a feather in it, and told him to pretend to be a pirate, and by God he's going to be the best damn pirate they've ever seen. Let it never be said that the Wolverine backs down from a challenge!FeaturingPickles the bamf - Logan's best Keith Richards impression - forbidden love on the high seas - Rachel's boot collection - Kurt's best attempt to not sound like Errol Flyn - Jean being a badass - overly large text books on copywright law





	Hoist the Colours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StarCityRebels](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarCityRebels/gifts).



> This started from a conversation with my partner about how they PotC universe makes much more sense if you assume it's some kind of homebrew RPG. At some point the X-Men got involved. Then I told Star, who begged my to write it. I hope this is all you dreamed of and more, Star!
> 
> Cast:  
> GM: Jubilee  
> Captain Edward Teague: Logan  
> All other NPCs: Jubilee
> 
> Elizabeth Swann: Jean Grey  
> Jack Sparrow: Kurt Wagner  
> Joshamee Gibbs: Bobby Drake  
> Pintel: Cypher  
> Ragetti: Warlock  
> Tia Dalma: Kitty Pryde  
> Hector Barbossa: Hank McCoy  
> Davey Jones: Illyana Rasputin  
> Annamaria: Rachel Summers  
> Jack the Monkey: Pickles the Bamf
> 
> Not appearing in this scene but also playing:  
> Cutler Beckett: Piotr Rasputin  
> James Norrington: Warren Worthington  
> Will Turner: Scott Summers
> 
> Originally this was Kitty's game, hence why it's all her friends playing, but when Storm couldn't make it anymore, she took over as Tia Dalma, instantly making the character 1000% more extra, and Jubilee took over solo GM duty.
> 
> If people like this I may do more scenes of this. For now, have the one which allows Logan to do his best Keith Richards impression.

“Logan! Perfect, I need some help with all the NPCs in this bit.”

“You need help with whatnow?”

“You’re Captain Teague, former pirate lord of Madagscar and now keeper of the Pirate Code. Grab a hat, Hank brought loads.”

“First I’m gonna need you to explain what’s going on here, Jubilee.”

“Okay, so we’re playing a game. About pirates. I’m the Game Master, which means I get to run everything, and make up the story, and everyone else is players in the game. With me so far?”

“You’re all sitting around in silly hats pretending to be pirates.”

“Pretty much,” Bobby says, with a grin. “It's great.”

“Yeah, basically,” Jubilee agrees. “So right now, the characters are all at a convening of the Bretheren Court, that’s like Pirate Parliament kinda, and the players are trying to get the Court to declare war on the East Indian Company, because they’re killing all the pirates. So Jean’s character Elizabeth is pirate lord of the South China seas, so she’s on the council, and so’s Kurt. He’s Pirate Lord of the Caribbean right now. And Hank is Lord of the Caspian Sea. Everyone else is just kinda spectating this bit, and trying to influence the decision. I’m being all the other six pirate lords, and I was going to be Teague as well, but since you’re here, you can play him! Look, I even wrote you some dialogue, and made a character sheet, and you get props!”

Logan, recognising that he wasn’t going to get out of this, took a seat beside Jubilee, grunting in surprise at the weight of the book she handed him. Turning it over, he found the title on the hand drawn slip cover read “Codex Pirata”.

“It’s one of the Professor’s law books really,” Jubilee confided. “But he said I could borrow it. Hank, get Logan a hat?”

Hank’s own hat was huge, with a great plume of red feathers in it, and one of the bamfs was balanced on his shoulder like a parrot. 

“Here.” Hank handed over a wide brimmed leather hat, the front brim pinned up with pheasant feathers, and Logan put it on without complaining and turned over the character sheet Jubilee had given him.

Edward Teague, keeper of the code. Father of Jack Sparrow, but only he and Jack know that. Carries a pair of flintlock pistols and his dead wife’s shrunken head with him wherever he goes. Below that were a few lines of dialogue and details of the character’s first appearance.. Logan raised his eyebrows. Jubilee had clearly put a lot of effort into whatever this was.

“Alright?” Jubilee asked, and when he nodded she grinned and turned back to the players. “Great! Okay, so, Jack, Barbossa, Gibbs, Ragetti and Pintel, and Annamaria, you’re in a large room in the Pirate Hall of Shipwreck Cove. In the middle of the room is a long table, with four seats on each side, and one at the far end. At the other end is a globe.

“As each of the pirate lords enter with their crews, they stab their sword into the globe over the ocean they rule.

“First to come in is Captain Ammand, the lord of the Black Sea and leader of the Barbary Corsairs. Then Captaine Chevalle, with a huge wig and frock coat on. He’s Lord of the Mediterranean. Mistress Ching, the Lord of the Pacific. Then Gentleman Jocard, Lord of the Atlantic. Sri Sumbhajee, Lord of the Arabian Sea. And finally, Captain Eduardo Villanueva, the Spaniard, Lord of the Adriatic. They all stab their swords and cutlasses into the globe, and take seats around the table, with their crews standing behind them.

“Barbossa, as you convened the court, it’s your job to welcome everyone, and call for the pieces of eight, the tokens each pirate lord carries as proof of their status.”

Hank bounded to his feet, the plume of feathers in his hat swaying and the Bamf hanging on for dear life, and slammed his fist onto the table. “As he who issued summons, I convene this meeting of the Brethren court,” he declaimed, in an accent that was unmistakably ‘comedy pirate’. “To confirm your status and right to be heard, present now your pieces of eight, fellow Cap’ns!”

Jubilee reached under her chair and produced a bowl, containing a selection of small objects - a shark’s tooth necklace, a small wooden cup, a pair of Hank’s reading glasses, a playing card, a butterknife, and the broken neck of a bottle.

“Those aren’t pieces of eight,” Doug said. “That’s just junk!”

“Roll for lore?” Bobby asked, and when Jubilee nodded, he leant into the centre of the table and rolled one of the many sided dice their. “Eight.”

“Plus a modifier of seven, you pass the check.”

“Awesome!” Bobby squinted at Doug, and when he spoke again his was, if possible, even more of a comedy pirate impression than Hank’s had been. “See, when the first Brethren Court met, they had intended to use nine pieces of eight to bind the sea goddess, but they were to a man, skint broke. So they just used whatever they had to hand instead.”

“Nice,” Jubilee praised.

“Why didn’t they change the name?” Doug asked.

“Well the nine pieces of whatever we had in our pockets doesn’t sound very piratey,” Bobby told him with a grin, forgetting this time to do the voice.

“Captains Sparrow and Barbossa, your turns,” Jubilee told them.

Hank grinned and turned to Warlock. “The piece of eight, Mr Ragetti, if you would?”

“Pirate-Self has kept it safe for pirate-self-captain Barbossa,” Warlock said. “Just as pirate-self promised!”

“And now it’s time to return it,” Hank growled. “Your eye, if you would be so good.”

From somewhere inside the complex mechanisms of his face, Warlock produced a ping pong ball. When he set it in the bowl, facing Logan, Logan could see that someone had drawn an eye on it in marker pen.

“Jack?” Hank asked, turning to Kurt.

“We’re still short one pirate lord,” Kurt said, grinning around at them all. “We really should all wait for Sao Feng to join us, don’t you think?”

Jubilee nodded her head, and Jean leapt to her feet, nearly knocking over the table in the process. “Sao Feng is dead! He fell to the flying dutchman.”

“The room erupts into shouting,” Jubilee says. “Everyone discussing the news, and talking over one another. Elizabeth, you stab the sword Sao Feng gave you into the map in the ocean beside China.”

“He made her Captain?” Kurt asked the room in general. “Honestly, they’re just giving that title away now!”

“Listen to me!” Jean yelled, unnecessarily loudly considering the background noise wasn’t actually real. “Our location has been betrayed! Beckett has control of Davey Jones, they’re on their way here.”

“Gentleman Jocard jumps to his feet,” Jubilee says. She coughs, and then demands in a passable imitation of T’Challa, “Who is this betrayer?!”

“Not anyone among us,” Hank says.

“Where’s Will?” Jean asks.

“Not among us,” Kurt mutters, earning a laugh from Bobby.

“Doesn’t matter how they found us,” Hank insists. “What matters is this: what will we do, now that they have?”

“We fight!” Jean declares.

“The room bursts into laughter,” Jubilee says. “Mistress Cheng tells you that Shipwreck Cove is a well supplied fortress. There’s no need to fight when the enemy can’t get to you.”

“Thar’ be a third course open to us,” Hank says. “On this very spot, the first court captured Calypso herself, and bound her in her bones. That was a mistake. We tamed the seas, aye, but we also opened them up to men like Beckett. Better were the days when mastery of the seas came from the sweat of a man’s brow and the strength of his back, not bargains with monsters and witches. Ye all know this to be true. And so, we must free the goddess.”

“Roll for persuasion,” Jubilee says, leaning out of her chair to see what Hank rolls. “Partial success. They are not all convinced. Jocard and Chevalle oppose you. Villanueva and the crew of Sao Feng support you. A fight breaks out.

“This is madness,” Jean exclaims.

“This is politics,” Kurt replies.

“But our enemies are bearing down upon us!”

“If they not be here already,” Hank agrees.

Rachel raises her hand. “Can I roll to join the fight?”

Jubilee laughs. “Go ahead.”

Rachel rolls the dice, and the players laugh.

“Eighteen,” Jubilee says, looking impressed. “You knock out three pirates with your bare hands, and take their boots and purses. You add fifteen gold pieces and three pairs of cheap boots to your inventory.”

“Yay boots,” Rachel says, straight faced.

“I want to visit Calypso,” Illyana says. “While Beckett is rallying his men. I have water-walking so getting into the ship is easy.”

“Yeah, no need to roll,” Jubilee agrees. “But how did you find her?”

“Power of love,” Kitty suggests, and Jubilee laughs.

“Alright Illyana, roll for the power of love.”

She rolls a twenty, and Kitty punches the air. “Hell yeah, power of love!”

“Davey Jones appears in the brig of the Black Pearl,” Jubilee says. “Go ahead.”

“My love,” Kitty breathes, in an accent that’s equal parts Ororo and Rogue. “You came for me. It has been torture, to be stuck in this single form, cut off from the sea and all that I love. Cut off from you.” She reached for Illyana, but Illyana pushed her hands away.

“Ten years, I…жертвовать?”

“Devoted?” her brother suggested.

“Ten years I devoted to the duty you charged me with!” Illyana growled, nodding her thanks to her brother. “Ten years I looked after those who died at sea. Ten years… And when we could finally be together again, you weren’t there! Why weren’t you there?!”

“It’s my nature,” Kitty said, reaching for her again. “Would you love me, if I were any but what I am?”

“I do not love you!”

“Many things you once were, Davey Jones. But never cruel. You have corrupted your purpose, and yourself. And you have locked away what was not yours to hide!” She dove half across the table, and pressed her hand to Illyana’s chest. “You said your heart was mine!”

“Kit… Calypso…”

“I would be free. And if I were, I would give you my heart, and we would be together always. If only you still had a heart to give in return.”

Illyana grabbed Kitty’s arm, wrenching it away from herself violently.

“Why did you come here?” Kitty demanded.

Illyana dropped her hand, and asked softly, “What fate have you planned for your captors?”

“The Brethren Court? The last thing they will learn in this life, is just how cruel I can be. But what of your fate Davey Jones? What is to become of you?”

“My heart will always belong to you,” Illyana breathed. “No matter where it may be.” She sat back in her chair, and grinned at Jubilee. “And then I go back to my ship.”

She and Kitty grinned at each other, but watching them, Logan couldn’t help but wonder whether there hadn’t been a grain of truth in their performance. It had been hard for them both to realise that Kitty needed more emotionally than Illyana could provide. They were still friends, and lovers, but Illyana was no longer Kitty’s one and only, and they both knew that trying to go back to that would hurt them both. Perhaps as much as moving on from it had in the first place.

“Meanwhile back at Shipwreck cove, the fight continues,” Jubilee says, breaking the tension of the moment.

“I fire my pistol into the air to get everyone’s attention,” Hank says.

“You have eighteen rounds of shot left,” Jubilee tells him.

“It was the first Brethren Court who imprisoned Calypso,” Hank declaims. “It should be us who lets her free, and in her gratitude, she will see fit to grant us boons.”

“Who’s boons? Your boons?” Kurt demands. “Twaddle says I. Deception.”

“Well have you got a better suggestion?” Hank asks.

“Cuttlefish,” Kurt says, and then louder, “Let us not, my friends, forget our friends the cuttlefish. Pen them up together and they will devour one another without a second thought. Human nature. Or fish nature. So yes, we could hole up here, well provisioned and well protected, and half of us would have been murdered within the month, which seems a little grim. Or, we can do as my learned colleague suggests, and release Calypso, and pray for her mercy. But when has she ever been merciful before? We cannot deny that she is a woman scorned, such as hell hath no fury like unto. QED we are left with one option. I side with… Captain Swann!”

“You've only ever run from a fight, your whole life!”

Kurt looks offended. “Have not.”

“Have too!”

“Have not.”

“Have to!”

“You have too, and you know it!”

“Have not, slander and calumny! I have only ever embraced that oldest and noblest of pirate traditions. I submit here and now, that is what we all must do, we must fight... to run away!”

“Aye!” Bobby yelled, perhaps a tad more excitedly than necessary. 

“As per the code,” Hank said in a sly voice, “an act of war, and this be exactly that, can only be declared by the pirate king.”

“You made that up,” Kurt insisted, and Logan snorted. How he could say that with such certainty was beyond him when the code was actually a text book on - he opened the front cover to check - copyright law as it related to genetic engineering.

Hank thumped the table, making the bowl of ‘pieces of eight’ rattle. “Did I now? I call on Captain Teague, keeper of the code!”

Jubilee grinned at Logan, and said loudly, in a barely recognisable attempt at an Indian accent, “Sri Sumbhajee’s first mate says “Sri Sumbhajee proclaims this all to be folly! Hang the code! Who cares…”

“Bang!” Logan shouted, thumping the table for emphasis, and making everyone jump. He cocked his fingers like a gun, and mimed blowing smoke from them. Jubilee hadn't mentioned what they were doing for gunshots, but that had worked well enough to get everyone's attention.

“Sri Sumbhajee’s first mate falls down dead,” Jubilee says with relish. 

“The Code is the law,” Logan growls. He was going for pirate but it ended up sounding more like a bad Keith Richards impression. He scowled at Kurt. “You’re in my way, boy.”

Kurt sat down gratifyingly quickly, and Logan gives him a Sabertooth grin, the kind of smile that's just an excuse to show off what big teeth you have.

He picks up the book Jubilee had given him, and drops it on the table (but fairly gently, since the table doesn't look especially strong) and allows it to fall open naturally.

“The code,” Warlock says excitedly.

“As set forth by Morgan and Bartholomew,” Doug adds.

Logan makes a show of studying to dense text, and then checks the notes Jubilee has made for him. “Barbossa is right!”

“Let me see,” Kurt says, and bamfs behind Logan to read over his shoulder. “‘It shall be the duty of the king to declare war, parlay with said adversaries…’ fancy that.”

“Captain Chevalle reminds you that there’s not been a king since the first court, and that’s not likely to change.”

“Not likely,” Logan agrees, just for dramatic effect.

“Why not?” Jean demands.

“Exposition check?” Bobby asks.

“Its called lore,” Jubilee says. “But go ahead.”

He rolls a ten, and Jubilee gestures him to continue.

“Because the king is elected by popular vote,” Bobby says. “And each pirate only ever votes for hisself.”

“I call for a vote!” Kurt exclaims.

“As predicted the Lords all vote for themselves,” Jubilee says. “Just leaving Elizabeth, Jack and Barbossa to vote.”

“Elizabeth Swann.”

“Barbossa.”

Kurt swept a low bow to the room, grinned like the devil incarnate, and said, “Elizabeth Swann.”

“What?” Jean demands.

Kurt grins some more. “I know, curious isn’t it?”

“The room erupts into arguing, as the Lords all demand to know why Jack didn't vote for them, if he wasn't going to vote for himself. They…”

“I want to pickpocket the Frenchman,” Rachel says suddenly.

“Well you've got high dexterity, but he is a famous pirate,” Jubilee says. “So you'll need a ten or higher.”

Rachel nods, and rolls the dice.

“Thirteen.”

“Annamaria slips her hand into Captain Chevalle’s pocket and finds a pair of sapphire earrings, which on closer inspection are actually made of plaster, one sous and a handful of beef jerky.”

“Sweet.”

“The fighting continues, with many of the Lords saying they will not follow Elizabeth.”

“Am I to understand that you lot will not be keeping to the code, then?” Kurt asks a room full of imaginary people, and Logan gives everyone a scowl.

“The room goes silent,” Jubilee says. “Then Mistress Cheng asks, ‘what say you Captain Swann, king of the Brethren Court?’”

Jean sits a little straighter in her chair. “Prepare every vessel that floats. At dawn, we’re at war.”

“While everyone’s busy, I want to talk to my father,” Kurt says suddenly. Most of the players look surprised, and Logan braces himself for improv.

“How's mum?”

“Still a shrunken head,” Logan grunts. “What do you want, boy?”

“You've seen it all, done it all, and survived.”

“So far.”

“That's the trick though, isn't it. Surviving.”

Logan chuckles. He knows this one. “The trick isn't living forever. The trick is living with yourself forever.”

“And time,” Jubilee says happily, closing the notepad she's been using to keep track of the game, and gathering up her bits of paper.

People thank Jubilee, and congratulate Illyana on her dramatic performance, and Logan’s fairly sure he's the only one who notices Warlock take the bowl of ‘pieces of eight’ and tuck them somewhere inside his body.

He thinks his role is probably done with, but he might come back next week anyway. Just to see what Warlock's got planned.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love.


End file.
